When I was trained as a therapist (nearly 20 years ago) we were taught that when asked something personal, to try not to respond without asking a question first. So if a client said “Do you have kids?” or even “Where are you going on vacation?” we were encouraged to say something along the lines of “so what do you think’s behind that question?” The point wasn’t to never answer a question, the point was to make sure we knew what was going on for the client before we closed the space down with an answer. Because behind their seemingly causal questions sometimes lurked “have you gone through the same experiences I have?” “will you get me?” and “am I in safe hands here?”
In parenting, and in our intimate relationships, the temptation to respond without asking a question first is super high. I remember one of my kids having a tricky afternoon a while back and them having a bit of a meltdown calling themselves stupid. I watched my mama-bear-self slip straight into “now-you-listen-to-me-you-are-a-bright-clever-kind-funny-goodlooking-sweet-adorable-kid” and on it went. The reason we usually get triggered to react in this way is because we can’t tolerate our kids, or the other person, feeling what they’re feeling. So we jump in to “rescue” them (or more accurately rescue ourselves so that we don’t have to feel the discomfort). The downside of often doing this it that it leaves the other person dealing with their difficult feelings in isolation.
Examples of Responding Without Asking A Question First
1. Kid: “Somebody called me fat at school today”.
Parent: “I’m so sorry that happened. All our bodies come in different shapes and forms. Your body is perfect as it is. It’s strong and capable. Don’t let anybody tell you differently.”
2. Kid (speaking to parent): “I’m scared you’re going to die.”
Parent: “You know what, I think I’m going to live until I am truly ancient. Maybe 115 or 130. How old do you think humans can get, because I’m going to get that old!” (Kid and parent both chuckle).
3. Kid: “I always get the feeling that grandma’s favorite is my brother and not me”.
Parent: “But you know what, you’re definitely grandpa’s favorite.”
4. Kid: “I don’t want to invite Melanie to my birthday party anymore.“
Parent: “I thought you and Melanie were good friends. You can’t invite all the girls in your class and exclude her.”
None of these responses are a big deal in themselves and as a parent I’ve reacted in similar ways many times. But when possible it’s helpful to ask at least one open ended question first. Because as soon as we respond with our “trying to make it better” response we’re inadvertently asking our kids to hold their difficult thoughts and feelings on their own. And we miss out on the opportunity to keep the space open and really understand what they’re experiencing (and sit with them in those feelings).
Alternative Responses That Don’t Close Down the Space
1. Kid: “Somebody called me fat at school today”.
Parent: “Ugh, how did that make you feel? I imagine that was really difficult?”
We actually want to hear all about how the kid felt when those words were said. And ideally we want access to the things that the child imagines is wrong with their body (even if those weren’t ever mentioned in the conversation at school). If the kid does worry about their weight this can flow into a conversation about body image and/or their relationship with food and when they notice themselves eating when they aren’t actually hungry (but bored, stressed, anxious etc).
2. Kid: “I’m scared you’re going to die.”
Parent: “What makes you think I’m going to die?” “What’s the scariest thing about me dying?”
Again, whilst it may feel intense to ask your child to tell you what they’re most scared of if you were to die, if you don’t ask, that kid may be thinking through scenarios on their own. Answers here can be surprising and range from the very deep to the “but what about my birthday presents?”
3. Kid: “I always get the feeling that grandma’s favorite is my brother not me”.
Parent: “Ugh I so know that experience of not feeling the favorite or the best – what made you think grandma doesn’t like you as much? What happens in your body when you feel you’re being rejected or aren’t the best?”
4: Kid: “I don’t want to invite Melanie to my birthday party anymore.“
Parent: “Oh gosh I’m sorry to hear that. Tell me about what happened?”
A Helpful Go-To Phrase That Helps Buy You Time (So You Don’t Respond Without Asking A Question First)
Our kids are going to have experiences of rejection and feeling less-than. If we haven’t figured out how to navigate those in our own lives we’ll struggle to be effective at sitting with them experiencing those feelings. And this isn’t just relevant for parenting. Our friends and family members and spouses all often crave an open space to share what’s going on. The question is can we tolerate the feelings they’re having in our own bodies?
Sometimes when we first hear something it can take our breath away. This is particulalry true when we’re listening to our children navigating the playground, school or romantic relationships. It can be helpful to have a stock phrase to use when you’re in an internally frozen or panicked state. Something like “ugh/wow/gosh (depending on the content), tell me more about that” can be helpful as you buy yourself some time to a) tolerate the feelings you’re having and b) figure out what to say next whilst keeping the space open.
For those of you who find scripts or phrases helpful, you might want to follow https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside/. Scripts or phrases that work for kids also tend to work in intimate relationships simply because humans responds well to curiosity, empathy and connection.