I remember what a revelation it was for me when I realized that the feelings that scared me most, and that I’d been running from for years, could only ever be thoughts (in my head) or sensations (in my body).

Most people who struggle with some sort of problematic behavior or addictive pattern usually start to think some version of “there’s something wrong with me”.  In addiction/recovery circles like 12 step groups (which overall I’m a big fan of by the way) you learn that what’s wrong with you is that you’re an “addict”.  The picture that’s painted is that addiction is some sort of amorphous disease or monster that catches you unaware with cravings or compulsions just when you thought you were doing okay and “on track”.

Whilst that lens can be useful, especially at the beginning, at some juncture it also helps to realize there is no monster.  There are just thoughts in your head and sensations in your body that you don’t like to feel.

And the addiction is you avoiding those sensations by doing a bunch of unhelpful stuff whether it involves food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex etc.

Admittedly some of the thoughts and physical sensations that are involved can feel difficult to feel.  But they are totally feel-able.  One of the parts of my job that I love the most is getting people to drop into feelings they’ve avoided for years (sometimes decades). 

Some clients are convinced they’re going to die when they feel that feeling. But then 30 seconds later they realize they haven’t died.  And then they realize the intensity of the sensation which was a 9/10 a minute ago is now a 5/10.  Time and time again people are amazed that the sensations, whilst unpleasant, are actually tolerable.

It’s so simple and yet can be tricky to get there.  A lot of psychotherapy is getting somebody feeling safe enough to actually connect with their physical sensations.  Good therapy isn’t just talking about feelings – or even having cathartic emotional releases – it’s teaching somebody that they can stay with and open into the physical sensations they’ve subtly or not so subtly avoided for years.

That ability to tolerate your physical sensations is the foundation of everything. The holy grail of mental health.  It’s what allows you to not to self medicate with food or alcohol or drugs.  It’s what allows you to navigate different mood states without freaking out.  It’s what allows you to parent without losing it. It’s what allows you to start that project even though it’s hard and you’re not sure if you’re good enough.  It’s what enables you to allow intimacy, and set boundaries, in relationship without shutting down or attacking.

Photo credit: @kimserveauphotography