I won’t lie.  Living in the US is feeling quite intense right now.  I was just about adapting to the new realities of Covid when the Black Lives Matter movement exploded.  And of course the very fact that I experienced it in that way speaks volumes about my white privilege – for so many people it’s something they’ve been grappling with day in and day out for decades.

I’ve spent the last few weeks having a lot of conversations about race.  I’m not an expert and have been listening to the voices of those who are.  But one thing I can offer is recognizing the importance of practicing sitting in discomfort. 

Staying with uncomfortable physical sensations is the foundation of my work as a psychotherapist.  It’s the one skill set that can totally change somebody’s mental health and life trajectory.  If you can stay and open into the contraction in your stomach or chest, the feeling of spinning out of control, the weight of grief and sadness, the heat of rage, all sorts of transformation is within your grasp.

Talking about race often brings up a lot of awkwardness – mis-steps, feeling we should have said more, feeling we should have said less, feeling we said the wrong thing.  I try and remember that engaging and being willing to fumble and make mistakes is actually what changes things.

The most efficient practice that can help us learn to stay with discomfort is body based meditation.  But when I mention meditation most people respond with some version of “I can’t meditate, I can’t slow my thoughts down, it doesn’t work for me”.  They associate meditation with relaxation and therefore believe they’re doing it wrong. 

But meditation shouldn’t be about relaxation.  Whilst some form of ease may sometimes be a by-product of meditation, the real point of a meditation practice is that you learn to witness your thoughts (whilst recognizing that you are not your thoughts and that your thoughts are not necessarily true) and sit with with physical sensations that may be deeply uncomfortable. Without numbing or running or distracting in all the ways we usually do – food, alcohol, screens, work etc.

And then the whole point of that practice is that you take it into your actual day and it helps you self regulate (i.e. not lose your sh*t, not go passive aggressive or defensive and not shut down)  as you deal with anxiety provoking work situations, your whining kids or indeed complex conversations about race. 

Meditation is meant to be uncomfortable.  If it’s not uncomfortable at least a fair amount of time, I’d venture to say you’re not doing it right.  Do take 90 seconds to watch my super short video on this.

p.s. If you’re feeling overwhelmed about where to start to educate yourself about race, and how to be anti-racist, then just following @theconsciouskid is a great place to begin.