It feels like we’re an era where the message is we can be anything we want to be if we just do the work and cultivate the right mindset.  It’s the mindset of Thomas Edison’s “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.”  And there’s a lot of coaches and therapists out there working really hard to make sure we’re not believing thoughts that aren’t useful – you know the “I’m not good enough”, “it’s never going to happen”, “if it was meant to happen the universe would have made this thing flow more” thoughts.  And there’s good reason for that because as soon as we get caught in that vortex of negative thoughts, we stop taking action.  And when we stop taking action, we usually don’t see much progress.
 
It’s interesting because over the last 2 decades I’ve had courtside seats to many individuals trying to do things. And what I notice is that the downside of trying to stay in this upbeat and motivated zone is that it can be exhausting and untenable.  Most of the things we’re wanting to do, or change, aren’t easy, otherwise we would have already accomplished them.  To stay in the striving place, where we’re trying to get somewhere else than where we are, usually gets exhausting.  The road is littered with small and big obstacles and set-backs. 

So, most people are intermittently bumping into a heavy dose of “this is never going to happen for me” beliefs. 

The prevailing wisdom out there is to do thought-work and to try and keep ourselves trying on more motivating thoughts.  But I think there’s also real wisdom in just going with failure.  Letting ourselves sink into “wow, I actually don’t think this is going to work” and really trying that on.  The thing in question might be a relationship, a business or a health condition. What would my life look like if this thing fails or I fail at this thing?  Who would I be?  How would I spend my time if this thing doesn’t work?  What would my focus be?  Where would I find my joy?
 
Very often we’re striving to get to some goal because of what we imagine we’ll feel like when we achieve it.  We imagine the goal will allow us to feel a certain way – maybe more fulfilled, more legitimate, more energized, more connected. But more often than not goals actually don’t give us the feeling we think they will (or at least not for very long).  So, it’s a helpful exercise to see who we’d be if we knew for certain that a goal would never work out.  Usually there’s sadness and loss. It’s grief work – a mini death.  Sometimes this work takes 20 minutes, sometimes a day or two, sometimes weeks or months. 

Once you’ve reached the bottom of the bell curve – and start to come out of the grief – what’s often apparent is that there’s been a little re-set. 

It’s like a pressure release valve.  Often, we’ve made some kind of peace with what is and there’s frequently a little more appreciation for what we already have.  From that place it’s sometimes possible to keep plugging away at the goal (depending on what the goal is) but with less urgency.  Taking consistent action from a place within us that isn’t in that frantic striving mode is often the most effective (and the most fun!).