The Story On Repeat – Understanding Your Unconscious Relationship Blueprint
Piecing together the jigsaw puzzle of why we feel the way we feel, and why we do what we do, requires an awareness of the dynamics that existed in our childhoods as well as paying close attention to our day-to-day life in the present. The patterns, emotions and coping behaviors we learned, and still default to, are usually logical, predictable and entirely on repeat. They are what I call our “Unconscious Relationship Blueprint”.
What kind of people we gravitate to, how we show up in our relationships, the ways in which we get emotionally triggered, and how we see ourselves in the world, will keep replaying. And that’s because many of those experiences, reactions and woundings (big and small) that took place in our formative years get etched into our bodies and into our nervous systems. That’s how intergenerational trauma often gets passed down. When a certain button gets pushed we’ll react in exactly the same way over and over (even when we really don’t want to) because those pathways are imprinted and well-worn in our minds and in our bodies.
If you want to get a head start in piecing together your Unconscious Relationship Blueprint do check out this free video and 5 minute questionnaire which will help you get some clarity fast.
Why We Get Trapped In Mood Swings or Addictive Patterns
Patterns typically get passed on from one generation to the next because parents who struggle to navigate their own feelings usually aren’t very good at self regulating their own emotions, let alone helping their children with theirs. If we don’t grow up in a household where there’s emotional attunement and a sense that all feelings are welcome and feel-able, accessing ease and relaxation in our body gets more challenging.
The inevitable build up of tension (which is really a build up of feelings that haven’t been felt or processed) means we’re likely to search for alternative ways of releasing or relaxing. Some people overeat, over-work or over-exercise. Some people rage. Some people have panic attacks. Some people get so depressed they can’t get out of bed. But if you look closely they are all relatively logical ways of numbing, soothing or taking the edge off uncomfortable feelings we don’t know how to feel.
Actually Changing (Not Just Understanding) Patterns
Many people get stuck in therapy because just having an intellectual understanding of why you do what you do, or why you feel the way you feel, doesn’t change the dynamics on the ground. And most of us are desperately looking for things to fundamentally change – not just in our heads but also in our bodies and in our behaviors.
Real transformation in therapy requires two things. Firstly, it means resisting the urge to just talk about things. It’s tempting to get stuck in content for a long time – we tell stories about what happened years ago, this month, what might happen tomorrow. But getting trapped in content doesn’t shift the needle. To make real change also requires building up our witness capacity so that we really get that thoughts are just thoughts (and not the whole truth). And realizing that we’re often “feeling” our thoughts. In other words our bodies are reacting to thoughts we’re telling ourselves in our heads.
Secondly, real change is rooted in our bodies and specifically in our ability to access and tolerate our feelings and physical sensations. Many of us are unknowingly quite cut off from our bodies so this skill that neuropsychology calls “interoception” isn’t given much focus. But if you want to change your marriage, your parenting, your career, your confidence, your procrastination or your tendency to get stuck in anxiety, depression or addictive behaviors, you will need to get better at feeling your bodily sensations from the inside. It’s a game-changer. I’ll show you how.
Numbness or emotional overwhelm will give way to a sense of aliveness and joy. On your off days (yes, you’ll still have a few) you’ll master the art of voicing your feelings in a way that gets you heard and gets you the support you’re longing for. This work isn’t easy but it transforms the bedrock of your life.
